It's been my first time

struggling with death in my family. I've never had anyone close to me pass away. I never thought I would be affected this much by the death of my grandfather. The worst part is, he hasn't even left this world yet. He's still hanging on. For now, I've been trying to think positive. To not let it get to me like it has. I should have been celebrating his life when he was so close to death. He's still lingering, he just wants to go in peace. They say he has around three weeks to live now. I wish that I had more time with him, but I was glad I got to say "I love you." to him over the phone. I know I won't be able to see him before he passes, but it meant so much to me to hear his voice. I know he will be greatly missed.


L-R: myself, my grandfather,
my grandmother, and my brother in 2005.

I can't help staring into your eyes.

It reassures me. When I look into your beautiful eyes, I just know. I know that everything is alright. I can see how happy you are, how happy we are. When you stare back at me, I can't help but smile. "Where have you been all my life?" is a question I've asked myself over and over. I'm just so glad that I've finally found you. I know that you're always going to be here for me, when I need you the most. You know I'll do the same, always. I'm not going anywhere, because I have a reason to keep me here. You're my other half. My soulmate. We're like pieces of a puzzle. When our lips meet, its absolutely wonderful. Our hands fit perfectly together.



I'm so in love with you, Ashlee Conover. I've never felt so sure about anything or anyone in my life like the way I feel about you. I asked you stay forever, and you said yes without hesitation. I've finally found love. And I am finally alive.

she is happy when she is with me,

and i am finally alive.

It feels like...

I've spent a lifetime searching for you.
Now that I've found you, I'm never letting go.
If you ask me to stay forever, I'll say yes without hesitation.

I'm not going anywhere.

This is what I want, to be with you. I'm sticking around, and I'm so excited for us. I'm scared, but you already know why. This risk is worth taking. I trust you so much already. I'm so comfortable around you. I see great things happening for us. <3

Sincerely,

you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know it's way too early to start saying things like that, but I can't help how I feel. This feeling is so strong, and I don't want it to ever go away. I know you feel the same way.

And we all return to our roots

I made my tattoo appointment yesterday, I shall be getting inked on the 7th of April. I'm pretty excited, though I'm not going to be able to get exactly what I had envisioned. I'm going to go simple and just get an outline of IL heart a heart shaded in red where Peoria is located. If I included the script then it would have looked terrible. Too much clutter for too small of an area. If i want to incorporate the lyrics later in a different area I could possibly do that, but for now I'm just going to leave it as is. It's only going to cost $75, plus tip so it'll be $100 even. That's not bad at all, and I can always add to it if I want. In less than two weeks, I'll be inked. I'm pretty excited. (:

Things are falling into place,

and I couldn't be happier. Monday was perfect, and I can see great things happening for us. Life has seemed to turn itself around. I can't wait for this weekend. (:

p.s. I make my tattoo appointment on Thursday. I'm excited!

Set Your (Goals)

recovered from my livejournal:
move up to 00s
get my tattoos sketched out
make an appointment for first tattoo
get a higher paying job
pay off the debt owed to my parents
get somewhere with this new music endeavor
write more for my solo project
move out of the house by summer
save up for a new bass head

We all make mistakes,

and I've made a few. What's done is done and there is no going back. All I can do is hope for the best. I still care, and no matter what I'm going to be there for you when you need me. I know that doesn't mean much if you leave, but this is one offer that's not leaving the table, unless you come back for it. You say that you don't believe in second chances, but forgiveness is a virtue. You'll know where to find me. I am sorry, for what it's worth. I trust you, as I always have. I hope you make the right decision.

Personal Space.

Most of the time I can be a fun and happy person to be around. This stems from the fact that I have people in my life who keep me happy. An example would be my roommate, who is my best friend. it's easy to talk to him and a few other people who I can talk to about anything. But there are times, a large portion of my life, when I like to keep to myself. When this gets taken away from me, I don't want to be around anyone. I fake a smile and keep my mouth shut. I'll do this until I can go somewhere and be by myself. I think about things that are going on in my life a lot. I mean, everyone does that, but I tend to over think things. People don't really understand when I want to be left alone, I try to be obvious about it but that never seems to work. Then I start to get annoyed to the point where I'll just get up and walk away. I'm not trying to ignore people, it's just I need my personal space at times. A lot of the time, I end up making a scene and therefore people say something behind my back about it, but I could care less. I know most people will never really get why I act this way, and that's understandable. I just want them to give me the space I need rather than taking that away.

Express yourself.

I was writing an essay for my English 111 class tonight, and the topic that I wrote about made me realize a few things. My assignment was to write a rebuttal against an article that dealt with political correctness in our nation, and a particular paragraph from that article stuck out to me. It dealt with how we are not supposed to criticize people on how they dress or behave in public. Yet there are always going to be people opposed to this. We, as humans in general, are becoming more tolerant of each other. Even so, there will always be a divide. People are quick to judge others based on appearance alone. Those who try to express their individuality are looked upon as different from everyone else. Just because you don't have a lot of piercings, or any at all, or your body isn't covered in tattoos, or you don't have your ears stretched doesn't mean that you're better than people who do. They are expressing their individuality through their appearance, and we shouldn't judge what kind of a person they are based on that. The workplace has become more accepting and allowing people to express themselves to an extent, yet once again there will always be that divide. I don't believe that will ever go away. That being said, we need to focus our attention on people's merits and achievements, and what kind of a person they are. We need to step away from the phrase "judging a book by it's cover."

I wish my life was like a movie...

I feel like I know what I want, but I'm not ready to go after it at this point in my life. At times, I really do wish that my life was like a movie. I wish things worked out perfectly. That will always be a illusion, never a reality. Things always turn out for the best in the movies. Most of the time, that is. I lay awake at night thinking about everything that is going on in my life. It feels like most of my life is a dream, and I never know whether I'm living in a dream or in reality. One of these days I'll figure things out, but that day has been eluding me so far.

What do you believe in?

I had an interesting and enlightening conversation with my friend Ashlee today. It was refreshing to have an actual, worthwhile conversation with someone outside of the people I see on a day to day basis. We got to talking about our different faiths, and I've known for quite some time that she is a very strong Christian. She is rooted in her beliefs, whereas I have been somewhat swaying back and forth on the subject. I was baptized a Roman Catholic, but I haven't attended Mass since I graduated from high school. I hate attaching labels to anything, but the more I look at the more I would start to label myself as simply a Christian. I've always kept my faith in God and I will never lose that. It's just the fact that after attending private Catholic schools my whole life up until I started going to ICC, everything that they taught me was forced down my throat. I was made to learn that which they told me to. I didn't have a choice in the matter. And now, after being forced the same material years, I have come to several conclusions of my own that may not really fall under the Catholic faith. I believe that there are Catholics who just go to Mass because they are "required" to go, they don't actually want to be there. Then there people who never go to Mass or church service and they are some of the most religious people that you will ever meet in your life. Their faith is so strong that you know God is always present in their lives and that they willing accept Him. I hope one day I'll be able to be like that. I'm striving to be that way. I know I have my faults and I fall off the path from time to time, but I have hope that I will make it out just fine. He is always forgiving, and it's amazing what kind of things can happen if you let God into your life.